Steve Reads

If I had to make a list of People Who Should Just Disappear And Not Bombard Me Every Time I Go To The Grocery Store, Jennifer Lopez (“she is too long in the tooth to keep playing Jenny From the Neighborhood, a blushing blue-collar ingénue tapped to be Cinderela”) would be on top of the list. Can’t she just disappear already?

Actually, scratch that. When Jennifer Lopez was still just Jennifer Lopez, in Out Of Sight, she was great. She was perfect for that role, actually, and she and Clooney were a great match; they had great chemistry. But when she morphed into that ridiculous Hollywood monster called J.Lo., she needed to disappear.

Ben Affleck, though, has always needed to disappear. My friend Stevie points out that Affleck isn’t charming or cool at all, and that he’s well aware of this. Stevie notes that the only director who’s ever understood Affleck’s uncoolness is Kevin Smith — which is why his first big role for Smith was as a jerk who liked to have sex with women “in a very uncomfortable place.” The first role I remember Affleck in was Dazed and Confused, where he played a high-school bully. As far as I know, only those two movies have ever acknowledged Affleck’s essential uncoolness. Even Chasing Amy portrays him as a sensitive naïf, which just doesn’t fit at all

Nominations for others Who Really Should Just Disappear Already are welcomed.

P.S.: I should have also mentioned Angelina Jolie. Can’t stand her. Don’t think she’s sexy. Wish that her 15 minutes would end. Soon please?

P.S.: Paris Hilton is actually #1 on the list. I find her disgusting, and her brazen PR move of appearing in a home sex video just days before her TV show debuted sickened me. It wasn’t even all that good!

P.S.: The Olson twins. I don’t care if they’re thin. They can fuck off any day now.

P.S.: I never thought I’d say this, but I never want to see Katie Holmes again. Nor Tom Cruise.